The First Rebellion, or "Why you should never GM past 2 AM"
By Maurice Lane
Additional Concepts and Material by Maurice Lane and Jaymiel
Prologue: The GM has spent six weeks detailing out his game world, developing out in detail a multi-campaign story arc that will examine, in great detail, several key metaphysical concepts. He has meticulous notes, a variety of interesting and well thought-out NPCs, the basic framework for the first campaign, an interesting game system of his own design and a generous supply of snack foods.
He also has six players who haven't been briefed on this in advance. We take you to the game session where it all went wrong, already in process.
GM (in NPC voice): "... so, we must continue to keep the Light firmly in view as we continue to prepare humanity..."
Mike: Bo-ring. Doesn't this guy ever shut up?
GM (who spent two hours working out this speech): Huh?
Mike: I said, boring. Every time Lucent...
GM: Lucifer.
Mike: Whatever. Every time he starts talking, I zone out. Boring.
GM: Are you saying this? (Rattles dice)
Mike: Huh? Nope ... but I am going to go over and flick his earlobe.
GM: In the middle of his speech? Make me an Intelligence check...
Mike: Made it by three.
Dave: Hey, can I make one, too?
GM: NO. Right, Mike, you start to go over, but then you realize that it'd be an insult to do that in public in the Council chambers, especially since you and Lucifer aren't getting along...
Mike: Whaddya mean, we don't get along?
GM: Well, you keep interrupting him, pushing him around, calling him names...
Mike: Geez, I'm just playing my character, for crying out loud. Lucius...
GM: Lucifer.
Mike: Right. LuciFER is such a candy-ass that I can't help it. Always whining about how we shouldn't do this or that. I'm just trying to get him to lighten up.
GM: Flicking Lucifer's earlobe will cause him to lighten up?
Mike: Yeah. Hey, if he can't take a joke...
GM: So, you're going to ignore the Intelligence roll?
Mike: Yup.
GM: Positive?
Yuri and Jan: Crap.
Mike: Stop worrying, guys. Yeah, I ignore it. I go up to him and ... no, let's make it a wet willy.
GM: O-kay. (rattles dice) You go up to him and give him a ... 'wet willy': he turns in anger...
Dave: I'm going to blow him a raspberry.
GM and Mike: Why?
Dave: To show support for Michael. We swore a blood oath, remember?
Mike: Yeah, right. Thanks, Dave! (Turns to GM) I'm going to play 'got your nose', too. That should knock down his reputation a few notches...
(Chronicler's Note: This is the point where later researchers would decide that the GM first, to use a technical term, 'freaked out'.)
GM: Fine. FINE! As you do this - both of you - Lucifer's eyes turn wide, then narrow, then glow red. His wings turn kind of leathery and black - just like bat wings, in fact - and he steps back and howls a horrific war cry as his supporters follow suit. The sky turns black and the air carries with it the smell of smoke. His hands have suddenly sprouted jagged claws as he reaches for you...
Yuri: Kewl. Can I do that?
GM: Do what?
Yuri: Get those eyes and wings and stuff.
Dave: Me, too.
GM: NO!
Yuri: Why not? What, only your NPCs get to do that sort of thing when they get mad?
GM: He's not doing it because he's mad. He's... umm...
Jan: Getting mad.
GM: No! Well, yes, but that's not why. He's gotten that way because - right. He's gotten that way because he's decided to rebel because of the way that humanity seems to have been supplanted the angels in God's eyes, and because nobody will listen to his complaints about it because SOMEBODY blew up the Eden Experiment, so he got together in secret and got a lot of angels to agree with him, and now they're going to fight Heaven and prove that God was wrong. Happy?
(pause)
Yuri: You just made that up.
GM: Sue me.
Novy: Now, hold on a second, the Eden thing wasn't my old character's fault. Ophis thought that those two poor kids looked hungry...
GM: So you fed them apples from the one tree that was off limits?
Novy: Hey, Ophis didn't have Botany.
GM: What about mind-controlling them into eating the apples?
Novy: I thought that they were being stubborn. I was only trying to help.
GM: Right.
Yuri: I want to pray to God.
GM: Sorry?
Yuri: I want to pray to God.
GM: Oh. Hmm. Well, if you think that it's a good idea in the middle of combat, go ahead...
Jan: Combat. Crud, where's Eli?
Novy: In the bathroom.
Jan: OK. ELI! COMBAT!
Eli (muffled from bathroom): OK, be right there.
GM: Geez, you don't have to shout.
Jan: Sorry.
Yuri: So, can I pray?
GM: Sure.
(pause)
What were you going to pray about?
Yuri: I'm going to pray that God gives me bat wings.
Dave: Me, too.
GM: Will you stop it about the bloody bat wings? You can't pray to God to make you a rebel!
Yuri: Well, if I can't have bat wings, can I have ... help me out here, guys?
Mike: Steel?
Dave: Diamond?
Jan: Chainsaw?
Novy: Force field?
Eli (appearing out of the bathroom, with a faint haze of cannibis around him): Plaid?
Yuri (coughing): Christ, Eli, can't you go one game session without making us accessories?
Eli: Lighten up, man. I left the window open, so stop giving me those black looks, okay?
Yuri (snapping fingers): That's it! I want black wings.
GM: Err... okay. You want God to give you black wings?
Yuri: Yeah, it'll look cool.
GM: Fine. Roll against your Will. Yes, Dave, you can roll, too.
(dice clatter)
Yuri: Hot Damn! Four criticals.
Dave: Crap. Only three.
GM: I hate those dice. Right, fine, you've got black wings. Happy?
Yuri: Come on. I score four criticals, and all I get are black wings? I should get something else, too.
GM: Like what?
Yuri: How about some sort of fireball?
GM: NO.
Yuri: That's so lame...
Dave: Hey, what about the ability to tell evildoers on sight?
Mike: What's the point of that?
Yuri: No, Dave's got a good one there. It'll cut down on the incidental damage.
Mike: I'm not here to worry about everything I do. I get enough of that at work.
Novy: Oh, relax, honey. Think of it this way: if they're evil, Dave and Yuri can point them out, then you can whack on them to your heart's content.
Mike: That's right, dear. Never mind...
(smooching sounds)
Eli: Jeez, can we STOP with the PDAs?
Mike and Novy: Sorry.
GM (furiously thinking): Fine, you want to detect evildoers ... well, the rolls make it possible, but you'll have to swear to God personally if you want to keep it. Yeah. You've got to swear oaths.
Yuri: How many?
GM: Ahh... four. Yeah, four oaths. Two of them now - that's both of you, by the way - and two later, once we get out of combat.
Yuri: That's cool - but don't you think that we should get something else for four oaths?
GM: Like what?
Dave: How about coming back fast if we get killed?
GM: Huh?
Dave: You know, if we're on Earth and, I don't know, fall over a cliff or something. This Trauma thing that you mentioned sounds pretty lame...
GM (pondering): Whatever. Yes, Yuri?
Yuri: OK, before we do these oaths, I just want to make sure. We get black wings instead of bat wings, right?
GM: Yes.
Yuri: So there's no way that we get to have bat wings now, right?
GM: Didn't I just say so?
Yuri: And, if we do this, we can never get to have bat wings?
GM (gritting teeth): That is correct. If you do this, you can never get to have bat wings.
Yuri: Just making sure. OK, my first oath is to never suffer an evil to live.
GM: If it's your choice.
Yuri: What?
GM: There's not a chance in Hell that I'd let you have that one without also giving me the option to overrule you.
Yuri: Oh. Well, that's cool. My second is, never surrender or let myself get captured by these guys.
GM (brightening): Oh, that's fine. Dave, what about you?
Dave (panicky): Ahh, never ... no, that one sucks. Always... no, that'll screw me over big time. Heh...
GM: Clock's ticking.
Dave: Screw it. What Yuri said.
GM: Right. Come up with the other two later - and make sure that they're different than Yuri's, OK?
Mike: So, can I hit Lucille...
GM: Lucifer.
Mike: Uh-huh. So, can I hit him now?
Novy: By the way, who else is on his side?
GM: Mike's?
Novy: No, Lucifer's. You said that he had supporters. Who are they?
GM: Oh. Right. (Looks at notes) Umm... Andrealphus, Baal, Dominic, Jean, Jordi and Kobal.
(blank looks. GM sighs)
Love, Valor, Judgement, Lightning, Animals and Laughter.
(Chronicler's note: the GM, thinking that it would be interesting to have his PCs be involved with the game on a fundamental level, decided to allow them to acquire "Words". These Words would give them an ability to choose one basic concept and exemplify it. Examples given were Love, Light, Destiny, Dreams - all concepts that would allow deep, meaningful roleplaying.)
(The players chose Purity, Stone, the Wind, Creation, Flowers and War. The GM has already determined that this option will not be available in the next campaign.)
Mike: Christ, that's lame. We'll be done before suppertime.
Dave: Yeah. Can't we have opponents with a little more oomph to them?
GM: Like what?
Dave: Well, let's ditch Animals and have Fear, instead. Beleth's a bitch, anyway.
Eli: That's just because she wouldn't sleep with your character.
Dave: Yeah! I mean, think of poor Blandine -
Eli: - Who likewise wouldn't sleep with you -
Dave (raising voice): We've got to get Fear away from her. She'll thank us in the end.
GM: Uh-huh. Anybody else with helpful suggestions?
Novy: I don't want to fight Jean.
Mike: Come on, he's going to be the best one. All those cool electrical attacks...
Novy: I don't care. I'm trying to make him smile, and I can't do it if he's dead.
GM: Right. Fine, scratch Jean and Jordi and put in Beleth and, I don't know, Gabriel.
Novy: NO!
GM: What now?
Novy: You can't do that to Gabriel.
GM: Why?
Novy: He's a hottie.
Mike: And Baal's one of my sidekicks. We've got to make sacrifices here.
Novy: I don't care. No Fire.
Jan: And I want to square off with Fire.
Novy: Tough shit.
Jan: Who died and made you party leader?
Novy: At least I'm not overcompensating...
GM: ENOUGH! Fine, Gabriel doesn't join the Rebellion. (Holds up hand) Her second in command Belial does. Will that do?
Jan: Can he do the same sorts of things that Gabriel can?
GM: No. He's just destructive Fire.
(pause)
Jan: So?
GM: Never mind. Now, if ... what, Yuri?
Yuri: I can't see Judgement being so dumb as to rebel against God.
GM (opens and closes mouth): Good point. Ehh...
Eli: Another not previously named sidekick?
GM: Funny you should say that.
Eli (shrugging): No arguments here.
GM: Well, there's a switch. Now, if there's no further objections, everybody roll initiative.
(Chronicler's Note: At this point, the transcript becomes disjointed and nearly indecipherable [much like the GM and players at the time, really]. Following are the most comprehensible fragments.)
Fragment #1
GM: Mike, Lucifer lunges at you with a knife. What do you do?
Mike: OK, I'm going to first sneer at him, wait until he's almost in range, then backhand his knife out of his hand. Then I'll feint to his knee, kick him in the jaw and follow up with two punches to the kidneys. If I have any time after that, I'll sneer again.
GM: Let me see your character sheet.
(rustle rustle)
I'll be damned. Make your roll. Novy, what are you doing?
Novy: I heal people.
GM: Who?
Novy: Whoever's closest.
GM: Straightforward enough.
(clatter clatter from Mike)
Mike: Made it by 6.
Yuri: Kewl! Doesn't that mean that Lucifer has to roll to retain his knife?
GM (evil look): I was getting to it. OK, roll versus Strength (clatter); he fails. Of course he does. Roll for direction (clatter), see if there's anybody in the way - heh. There is. Well, see if it hits - (clatter) damn. Well, let's see if there's damage. (clatter) I don't believe it. You all hear a ghastly gurgle as the Metatron goes down with a knife in her throat.
Mike: Oh, my God, he killed Metatron!
Rest of party (and GM, despite himself): YOU BASTARD!!!!!
Fragment #2
GM: Okay, Mike, you and Dave are fighting Lucifer and Baal, Jan and Novy are pulling the chandelier off of Yuri and Eli is... what are you doing, Eli?
Eli: Give me a second.
GM: You've had half a minute. Use it or give up this round.
Eli: Hold on, hold on...
Yuri: Any time you want to actually help, Eli, it'd be great.
GM: 5, 4, 3, 2...
Eli: Right! Got it. I turn Lucifer's sword into pastrami.
GM: Pastrami.
Eli: Yeah.
GM: Eli, do you even know what pastrami is made out of?
Eli: No, but my character does, so who cares?
GM: Fine. Make me your roll.
(clatter)
Eli: Uh-oh.
Rest of PCs: Crap.
GM (brightening): How bad is it?
(sees dice)
Oh. That bad. My, my, my.
Jan: Do I have time to duck?
GM: What? No, don't worry, you're not in the blast zone.
Dave: That never sounds good.
GM: You think? Anyway, Eli, guess what: it worked! Lucifer's sword is now pastrami. In fact, his hastily put-together armor is now apparently made out of various cold cuts. So is Baal's.
Mike: Well, that's not so bad...
GM: And so are Mike's and Dave's.
Mike (hitting head): Must! Keep! Mouth! Shut!
Dave: WHAT?!? My armor's gone? But it's T-Rex hide!
GM: Was T-Rex Hide. Now it's ham.
Dave: And the crossbow?
GM: A banana. Mike, you've lost your sword, too.
Mike: Crap, crap, crap. Anybody within leaping range with one?
GM: Hold on. (clatter) Nope. There's a rebel with an (clatter) ax, though.
Mike: Gak. I hate axes. Well, whatever's to hand. I rip off my ham breastplate...
GM: Liverwurst.
Mike: Sorry?
GM: It's liverwurst.
Mike (Rolling eyes): Fine, I rip off my liverwurst breastplate and throw it at Lutefisk's -
GM: Lucifer.
Mike: If you say so. Anyway, I throw it at his face. That should give me enough time to grab the ax.
GM: Make two Agility rolls and that'll be fine. Jan and Novy, you've gotten the chandelier off of Yuri: what will you do now?
Novy: I heal people.
GM: Got it. Jan?
Jan: I try to get Yuri to wake up. Anyone have a bucket of water around?
Yuri: HEY!
GM: Yeah, you see one. It'll take a round. Dave, sorry, what are you doing?
Dave (fuming quietly): Screw it, I'll just fight naked.
Fragment #3
Jan: OK, I make the roll by 4. Will that hit?
GM: Sure. He's got pretty spiffy armor, though. What's the damage?
(clatter clatter clatter clatter clatter clatter)
Jan: 216 points.
GM: WHAT?!?
Dave, Eli, Mike and Yuri: Kick-ass.
Jan: Well, I get to make double attacks this round, remember? And you said that it was cumulative with my ability to 'embrace the Wind'...
(GM takes scrap paper with character sheet and throws it out).
GM: He's pate. Novy, what are you doing?
Novy: I heal people.
Mike: Novy, do you even have a weapon?
Novy (Fluttering eyelashes): Why would I need one when I have you, snuggle-wuggle-oogums-puss?
(smooching sounds)
Other PCs and GM: (various gagging noises)
Mike: You're all just jealous.
Fragment #4
GM: ... so, the last holdout is dragged from hiding and chivvied into the field behind the Council Chambers. They sit, weeping and wailing and gnashing their teeth. Grim angels are surrounding them all with flaming swords - well, the ones who aren't dead, because roughly one out of every five celestials died today. How does this make you feel?
Mike: Righteous?
GM: No guilt?
Mike: Why should I? They started it. I kick Lucifer -
GM: Lucif... heh. Never mind.
Mike: I kick Lucifer as he's licking my boots and say, "But we finished it."
(pause)
GM: Whatever. I suppose that you plan to kill them all now?
Yuri: That's a joke, right? We wouldn't think of killing them.
GM (hopefully): Because it'd be wrong for Heaven to kill in cold blood?
Yuri: Yeah, that too - but I was thinking more that just killing them wouldn't drive home the lesson for future would-be rebels.
Dave: Yeah, they should suffer. I still say that we should throw them all into the Volcano.
GM: Before you can follow through on that plan, Yves comes up.
Mike: Man, not him. He's worse than Lusitania.
GM: LUCIFER, DAMN YOU! LUCIFER!
Eli: Hey, man, chill out.
GM (visibly controlling temper): I am calm. I am exceedingly calm. I am so calm that I am a still leaf on a still pond under a still, windless sky, framed by an absolutely still, peaceful beech tree...
Jan: Hey, nice image.
GM: Thank you. So, now that I am. Most. Righteously. Calm. I can continue, correct?
PCs: (nervous variants of "Sure, no problem")
GM: Thank you. Yves informs you that the rebels are to be locked away from Heaven forever for their crimes, never to be seen again. He looks sad as he says this, but determined.
Yuri: Fine, although I liked Dave's Volcano idea. So, how do we get rid of them?
GM: The angels are already pushing them over the edge. Lucifer is the last to go.
Mike: I get him once more around the earlobe. For old times sake, you know?
GM: After they're gone, Yves tells the assembled host that a new Council must be formed, to begin to rebuild the shattered peace of Heaven.
Jan: Neat. We're going to be on this Council, right?
GM: Why?
Jan: Because we're heroes, you know? Striking down the rebels and all that. I must have gotten at least a hundred myself.
Eli: Yeah, we did do pretty good, huh?
Yuri: Yup. Except for Novy, of course. Sorry, but you should have actually whaled on somebody: guess you can't be on the Council, Novy.
Novy (smiling sweetly): That's what you think. (To GM) How do you get on the Council, anyway?
GM (nonplussed): I hadn't thought about it. Votes, I guess.
Novy: Makes sense. I go to all the people that I healed and ask for their support. They should be ready to be nice to me. (Looks around) Don't worry - I'll make sure that they put in a good word for you guys, too.
Dave: Right. We all vote for each other, and we'll all get on. Hey, wait a second, guys! You know what this means?
Mike: That we have to sit through lots of boring meetings?
Dave: No! If we're on the Council, we get to have our own angels working for us! Instant cannon fodder!
Other PCs: Kewl.
(Chronicler's note: at this point, the narrative breaks down completely. However, one final fragment remains, apparently the sole surviving text from the next campaign run by this particular GM, set in the same world.)
Lilith: So, basically you're telling me that the sum total of all evil is on the other side of this door?
GM: Yes.
Lilith: And that they're trapped in an eternal cycle of misery and torment?
GM: Yes.
Lilith: And that they'd give anything to be set free?
(pause)
GM: Yes.
Lilith: Anything?
GM: Yes.
(pause)
Lilith: I knock.