When nights are too cold for us heroes bold

To go out and put down some Hell;

Then our friends will we seek, the valiant and meek,

And then all our stories we'll tell.

You'll hear tales of war in the Groves and the Caves,

Or a good battle song, at Larry's or Dave's;

But for a good time, just go down to the Glades,

For they've got all the extra-large beds.

A Seraph, you'll find, is most close to Divine,

Though haughty, they let their hair down:

Just make blessed sure that the room has a door,

And never boast of your renown.

They're all double-jointed, which you already knew:

It's shocking indeed what they're ready to do;

And quite best of all, you'll know when it's True

That they're pleased with your extra-large bed.

Now Cherubs, it seems, especially of Dreams,

Can be somewhat clinging, alas;

But that's quite all right, for they'll continue all night,

More instructive than any dull class.

They'll stay the full course, at a pace they can keep

Up for hours and hours, till you lie in a heap;

So please just be warned that you'll never see sleep

With a Cherub in your extra large bed.

A date with a Wheel could make anyone feel

That the courtship is moving too fast.

Their lunatic style is hectic and wild

And the romance is too good to last.

But give them a whirl and your goose will be cooked,

All those who have tried it assure me they're hooked,

But do they smoke after? They never have looked

But they'll light up your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

For an interesting night, try an Elohite,

Though they never will venture a smile;

For kinky's a word that they've never heard

And they'll always give something a trial.

So send them an invite, when you next debauch:

One night with them is never a botch;

They also don't mind to stand there and watch

You and yours on your extra large bed.

A Malakite's kiss may be quite swift and brisk

For there's always more evil to slay;

But the Virtue's deep shame is that their Choir's use-name

Doesn't match how they roll in the hay.

Don't bother with candy, jewels or bread,

And flowers all bother them, or so it is said:

You really should give them a demon, instead:

Just keep the blood off your extra-large bed.

The Kyriotates make most wonderful mates:

Their skills are quite something to see.

So striking of gaze, they will shock and amaze

With their knack for multiplicity.

A self-contained orgy in which you may delve

Containing a bevy of beautiful belles:

Although they just might get wrapped up with themselves

As they fill up your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Daniel Gallagher)

Menunim seem cold and they're never so bold

As to let carnal pleasures distract.

They all seem so chaste (what a terrible waste!),

And they swear that it isn't an act.

They'll string you along to the end of your rope

But to each proposition the answer is "Nope,"

You can plead all you like, but there's really no hope

To get one in your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

A Balseraph's pride isn't easy to hide

When they boast of their prowess and skills

They'll tell you you're cute, and look great in that suit

and they'll promise a night full of thrills

And if your fragile ego requires some stroking

but the white cotton sheets were not really smoking

They'll swear "You were great, babe. No, I'm not joking"

when they lie in your oversized bed.

(Courtesy of FallenSeraph)

The Balseraphim are all proper and prim,

What they're thinking is anyone's guess.

They're shy and demure but you can be sure

That with them a "no" always means "yes."

Their screams of delight keep the neighbors awake,

But don't be deceived by the noises they make

For you can be sure that the rapture is fake

With a Liar in you extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

A Djinn is a grouch and they all tend to slouch

But their apathy's only a mask.

They claim they don't care but they let down their hair

When they're finally done with a task.

But evenings of passion for them quickly pall

And once they are finished they'll turn to the wall

Or leave you a'crying (and never will call)

All alone in your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

A Pachadite fling is a frightening thing,

Not the sort of love I choose to seek.

They make a connection with glowing affection

Then follow with scathing critique.

They'll woo you with flowers and candy and song

And shower caresses to last the night long

Then tell you in detail each thing you did wrong

While they're still in your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

The Punishers' trick, it is really quite slick;

They'll tweak your emotions to suit.

And when they employ it, you're sure to enjoy it

And swear that they're angels, to boot.

But mind, my young friend, if you have any brains,

You'll make conscious effort and go to great pains

To not get ensnared by their whips and their chains

Nor be tied to your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

Now Freedom's sweet girls are the best in the world,

But it's you that they'll put in a fetter.

When Tempters will please strong men fall to their knees

And I hear that the Gifters are better.

If you give one a turn, Heaven knows what you'll learn

From their kisses that stun and embraces that burn,

Just don't stop to think what they'll ask in return --

Oh, they might want your extra-large bed!

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

A Shedite's physique is not for the weak,

Their visage is gruesome, it's true.

For though they're quite active, they're not that attractive,

Composed of tentacular goo.

They're so darn possessive it's almost a crime,

And only the kinky would have a good time,

And what's even worse is the gross, icky slime

That they'll leave in your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

A fair Impudite is a wonderful sight,

No one is immune to their charm.

If their deep Essence thirst doesn't do you in first

Then their kisses are sure to do harm.

They're limber and spry and so willing to try

Things that shock and amaze you and leave you wrung dry,

And so worn out and wasted you fear that you'll die

Passed out limp in your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)

If you want something fresh in the ways of the flesh

make Andre your beautiful Prince

for his skill is well known, since he's never alone

and does things that make Dutch pornstars wince

But only consider it if you like to be used

For all of his partners are badly abused

but the pleasure's so much it will leave you confused

and drained in your oversized bed

(Courtesy of Fallen Seraph)

Like it or not, you'll find Gabriel's hot

and burns with a passion intense

though she oft prophesize in the midst of her cries

quite often it makes little sense

but do keep a fire extinguisher handy

since she tends to ignite if she gets a bit randy

and i doubt that you'll find the result very dandy

if she torches your oversized bed.

(Courtesy of Fallen Seraph)

You're troubles, you'll lose 'em at Zadkiel's bosom

If you're one who likes to be mothered.

When wrapped in her arms you're safe from all harms

And rarely have need to feel smothered.

If you've a taste for maternal affection,

Zaddie is certain to pass your inspection,

Only make sure that you bring some protection

To wear in your extra-large bed.

(Courtesy of Michael Walton)