Typical
Superior Responses To A Servitor Who Is Trying To Explain Just Why He Has Been
Transformed Into A Cow
Blandine: "Is this a problem? I mean, you do most of your work in the
ethereal plane anyway..."
David: "Bring me the head of the demon that transformed
you, and then we'll talk about putting you back. In the meantime, I suggest that you practice
your stampeding."
Dominic: "And just... excuse me." (Hum
of Archangel-level Seraph resonance coming online) "Right. Now, if you'd just explain how this wasn't
your fault, we can continue. And
where's the rest of your Triad?"
Eli: "Dude. You're, like, a cow.
That's so cool. Hold on a
second." (Hum of Eli-power
activating) "Wow. This is like
such a different perspective, you know?
I never realized how intense it is to be a cow. Hey! Let's go EAT some grass for a
change!"
Gabriel: "Go forth, thou Bull of the Lord, and
strike a blow against those who Cruelly devour thy new brothers in
bovinity. Trample them under the
stampede of Heaven's just retribution!"
Janus: "Oh, this one I've just got to
hear..."
Jean: "I presume that you have not entered this
state voluntarily, given that the form that you are currently taking is neither
useful to Heaven in general nor Lightning in particular. It will be thus necessary to investigate the
phenomenon further: I will assign a team to investigate. You will, of course, provide input to the
team.
"No, actually it would be better if you
remained in this state until a proper report has been generated: the condition
is not causing you physical discomfort and it would be rash to attempt to
transform you back until we have a grasp on what caused the change in the first
place..."
Jordi: "Excuse me? You want your vessel to be changed back? Are you suggesting that there's something wrong
with being a cow? I didn't think
so. You'd like to get an enhanced
perception of the nature of bovine existence?
Most wise of you."
Laurence: (wearily) "As if this job was
not complicated enough. No, do not
explain. Just take a new vessel out of
stores and get back to what you were doing... and avoid such episodes in the
future."
Marc: "You know, I can't think of a single
thing to say that you probably haven't said to yourself already. Just trade it in for a new vessel and we'll
say no more about it."
Michael: "You know, I've got an undercover job
in India coming up that you'd be perfect for..."
Novalis: "Well, you make a very cute cow, for
what it's worth. Sure, I can switch you
back, but have you thought about working with this form for a while? Just think about how influential you could
be in rural regions..."
Yves: "Ah, yes. And so it begins..."
Andrealphus: "Ooh, you kinky boy, you. Where did I put my branding iron?"
Asmodeus: "I presume that you have not
compounded your idiocy by letting anyone else know of your weakness..."
Baal: (sound
of various safeties being clicked off) "CLEAR DOWNRANGE!!!!!"
Beleth: "Good: it'll keep you from being
distracted. Get going! It's nighttime somewhere on
Earth..."
Belial: "You are so lucky that I've already
checked to see whether you really can make a cow explode."
(pause)
"On the other hand, it's raining out and I'm
bored..."
Haagenti: "Mmmm... cow. WHERE'S THE BARBEQUE SAUCE, FOR THE LOVE OF
LUCIFER?!?"
Kobal: "Heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-hah.
Heh-heh-hehheh-heh.
Mwahh-hah-hah-hah-hahhh..."
Kronos: "It is gratifying to see the outside
finally match the inside. What? No, I think that the condition should
persist for a while, from an aesthetic point of view alone..."
Lilith: "So, just how badly do you Need to be
switched back? And just how badly do
you Need for your Superior to never find out about this? Sure, I can wait while you think it over: of
course, it'll cost you..."
Malphas: "You know who did this, right? Yes, it's just who you thought it was. Very clever of you to work it out: still, I
really do think that you should do something about this, don't you?"
Nybbas: "Cows are, like, so five minutes
ago. Do I look like Gary Larson to
you?"
Saminga: "Can you still kill humans like
that? If so, why should I care?"
Valefor: (Holding head) "No, no,
NO. How many times do I have to say
this? You wear leather; it
doesn't wear you. On the other hand,
you've got enough internal capacity now to walk away with a mint, so maybe we
can work with this."
Vapula: "And here I was wondering what I'd be
working on this afternoon. Tell me,
just how many articulated weapons pods do you think would fit on your new
flanks? Ooh, I wonder if there's enough
room for internal plasma batteries?
Well, let's find out, shall we?"