By Jaymiel
Having trouble deciding what to get your favorite
celestial this holiday season? Here are
some handy gift-giving suggestions:
Seraphim: If you know the Most Holy is going to be assigned to Corporeal duty in the near future, get her a television set. This will give her the maximum amount of time to get used to the idea.
Cherubim: Many cell phone companies are offering
promotions: buy one phone, get another free.
What a handy way to keep in touch with one’s attuned!
Ofanim: An Ofanite with a deep fryer that can cook
an eighteen-pound turkey in under two hours is a happy Ofanite! Not the culinary sort? Coffee pots with built-in timers (so the
coffee is ready to go when the Ofanite is), snow blowers, or a new automatic
robotic vacuum cleaner are all fun timesaving devices. Give the gift of extra time to these busy
celestials!
Elohim:
Everyone buys Elohim sleek, elegant devices that are eminently
practical. Be different! Get something over-the-top tacky, like a
singing, dancing plastic fish in a Santa hat.
We’ve seen what the Powers do with Coke machines; you can be sure they
will thank you for the opportunity to closely examine such a unique cultural
artifact.
Malakim: If a Malakite has admired a particular
weapon, chances are that he owns it already.
But ammunition is the gift that keeps on giving!
Bright Lilim: The Gifters are often uncomfortable
accepting presents. Donate the money
you would have spent to a charity in her name and just send a card.
Kyriotates: It’s hard to shop for a Kyriotate, but
much easier to shop for its current hosts.
Being possessed can be physically demanding for a host, so indulge them
with some tasty treats: a gift basket with some chocolate bonbons, gourmet
cheeses, flavored rawhide chews and some birdseed and suet would be a lovely
choice.
Mercurians: Mercurians often have a highly developed
sense of personal style. Consider gift
certificates. While a Mercurian will
never let you know that he returned the tweed jacket for a hound's-tooth with
slightly shorter sleeves, you can save him the annoying trip to the return
counter with a gift certificate.
Balseraphim: Always caught up in a web of lies and
intrigue, members of Hell’s aristocracy could use a good day planner for the
coming year. It will help them to keep
straight what they told to whom, and when.
Djinn: Djinn gifts come in two types: tough and
sturdy or light and fluffy. In either
case, the Djinn will toss the gift into a corner, still wrapped, and will look
at it only after you’ve been gone for three hours. Be sure the gift can survive such treatment – we recommend
anything by Nerf.
Calabim: A
Calabite always appreciates something new to break, and fine china is a
reliable standby gift. Alternately, replacements
for the Calabite’s favorite jeans, chair, briefcase, holster, etc. will be
welcome, because you know the originals will wear out – soon.
Habbalah: An
assortment of leather-care products will probably get a good reception, as well
as any super stain removers you know work particularly well.
Lilim: If
you must give a Lilim a present, buy her a tie. No Lilim Needs a tie, and she will appreciate your thoughtfulness
in this matter.
Shedim:
Again, you’re shopping for the host, not the celestial. The old standbys of chainsaws,
flamethrowers, and guns are still the most popular. Drop the present and run away.
Impudites: Just give an Impudite some Essence. If you give her a present, she’ll tell you how wonderful it is, what a thoughtful friend you are, and then take some Essence anyway.